ANDERS ANDERSEN COUNSELING

Although relationships at times seem to be hard, it's probably because one or both parties isn't using this one rule, to be considerate. Over the years, I have seen how using this rule can apply to any situation, even in the midst of conflict. I have coached couples in how to be mindful of their partners' feelings and needs, including in those tough moments when their own feelings seem threatened. Here are some examples.

Let's start with an obvious one. Jill and Chuck were looking forward to one day purchasing a home. They had established money goals and a budget which would secure these dreams. All was going well and they were on track, until one day Jill came home with a new puppy which cost her $500. She knew Chuck loved dogs and assumed he would fall in love with the new pet just as she had. It turned out that he had more anxieties about money than Jill, and all he saw were dollar signs, envisioning a long line of additional costs. Jill made the decision to purchase the dog with her own wants in mind, and projected those wants onto her husband. She had forgotten they were two separate people, and assumed that he would think and feel exactly like she did. If she truly had considered Chuck in her decision, she would have sat down with him and discussed this option in person, with the budget in front of them. However, this was an emotional decision, and when making emotional decisions, we fall prey to all kinds of rationalizations. Being in a marriage relationship necessarily involves working as a team always. Lacking Jill's consideration, Chuck's resentment and sense of betrayal may make it difficult for him to bond well with the puppy, and he may see the animal as competing for her affections. 

Now, in this example, Chuck also had a responsibility to be considerate towards Jill. An emotional response would be to complain about the money, berate her and try to force her feel guilty about her decision. Is this how good teammates should work together? How would this response polarize the couple further? As I have seen in my office, these kinds of exchanges almost always increase the emotional divide between people, making it harder to work together. A more considerate response to Jill bringing home the puppy would be to calmly help her talk about her decision, validate her feelings about the puppy, and help her to discuss how the budget might be affected by the new family member. It could be that the pet would fit into their financial picture, but Chuck's anxieties about money made him react emotionally rather than helping Jill to work with him and hear his concerns. If they look at the finances together, with the mindset that they are on the same team, it is possible that either they could make it work, or both agree that it's not the right time for them to get the pet. It is very important to remember that it's easier for two people to work together gladly if they are being kind and considerate to each other, and not imposing their emotional baggage on each other.